I had dreamed for months of that night, our wedding night. After all the celebrations, dances and laughter, we were finally both alone.
Reuben and I had chosen not to live together before the wedding. I may be a little old game, but I loved the idea of keeping something sacred for after the vows. We had talked about everything: our values, our dreams, even small things like the way we would dispose of the furniture in our future home. I thought I knew everything about him.
But that night, when I was sitting in our hotel suite, wrapped in the sweet glow of the candles, something was wrong. Reuben took too long to go to the toilet, and when he finally left it, he looked pale, almost anxious.
“Is everything all right?” I asked, trying to keep a loud voice.
Instead of replying, he hesitated at the door, glancing the corridor. And that’s where I heard it. A murmur.
“Mom, I’ve really tried, but I can’t do it. Please come. ”
I stood up, heart beating. Did I hear correctly?
Then we heard the sound of the door opening by squeaking. My mother-in-law, Mrs. Green, entered, her face frozen by the shock.
I went up the blankets to my chin and looked at them, confusion overwhelmed me.
“What’s going on?” My voice was weaker than I would have liked.
Mrs Green turned to Reuben, her indecipherable expression. Then, back to me. “Wait. DOES YOU HAVE DAY? ”
“Tell me what?” I’ll whisper, my pulse beating in my ears.
She looked at her son as if to incite him to say something. But he remained there with his fingers tight and loose. I’ve never seen him like that before.
“Reuben…” I stretched out my hand, but he stepped back a step.
Mrs. Green sighed and sat at the foot of the bed, her hands clasped. “Honey, I don’t know how to tell you that, but Reuben has… a disease. ”
I swallowed my saliva. “What kind of illness?” ”
Reuben ended up talking, the voice stretched. “I… I suffer from severe anxiety about intimacy. I had therapy for that, but I thought that when we got married, everything would be fine. I really thought I could handle this. But when I walked into the room tonight, I just… froze. ”
I stared at him, absorbing his words. It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t because he didn’t like me or didn’t. It was something deeper, something that he fought silently against.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” My voice trembled, not of anger, but of pain.
“I was afraid,” he confessed. Fear you’re leaving. Fear you think I’m not up to it. ”
Mrs. Green held out her hand and shook her hand. “He’s been like this since he was a teenager. We tried everything: therapy, advice, and for a while, it seemed to be getting better. But then the pressure of the wedding… tonight… brought everything back to normal. ”
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